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An Interview with Kerri Zane: IT Takes All Five: A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding The One

Nov 8, 2012 by

Michael F. Shaughnessy –

    1)      Kerri, first of all, what brought about this book ? How did it get started?

    When I first was going through my divorce I felt very afraid, alone and uncertain of everyone and everything. I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills, I wasn’t sure who would remain my friend and who would chose him, things like that…The book was an opportunity to let other single moms out there know that they don’t have to feel alone and there is a resource for them. I have been a single mom for the last 10 years and I’ve learned a lot. I wanted to share with the nearly 10 million other single moms in this country.

    2)      Do you see an need for this book?

    Yes I do. I think many single moms feel overwhelmed and invisible. They need to take time to get to know themselves again. Take care of their mind, body and soul before launching into a new relationship. The book is a guide helping to navigate the healing process and support to feel good about the going out into the dating universe again.

    3)      There seem to be all these single things on t.v. and on the Internet- is there anything wrong with them?

    There are over 10 million single moms in the US alone. More millennial females are choosing to have children without partners and the divorce rate for older generations is holding steady at 50%. Single moms is a powerful demographic to be recognized. I think the media is responding that.

    4)      Kerri, some individuals feel that this focus on “ THE ONE “ is a bit illogical- that there is a PERFECT FIT or that there is some COSMIC force at work- bringing two SOULS together. Am I off on this ?

    I think you are correct. “The One” is lofty…my 5 finger philosophy, ie. It Takes All 5, for finding “the REAL One”  is a more realistic and practical approach to identifying a person for an authentic and renewable REAlationship. Each finger represents the 5 aspects of a person; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and sexual. When all 5 aspects align you’ve got a good match, just like when a woman laces and locks all five fingers with a man’s…the hold is rock solid.

    5)      I do think that many women have a great deal of difficulty finding a person that fits their needs, wants, desires, and all the rest. Tough question—are they being unrealistic ?

    Interesting question, which I address in the book. I think that particularly for single moms, most of which have already been through a marriage or two, their “list” has to be approached differently. For example, in the book when I talk about the physical aspect, I encourage single moms to consider whether her prospective mate takes care of his health, is concerned for her well-being and for his/her children’s health and wellness rather than focusing on color of eyes or number of hair follicles.

    6)      For many men, they have been through one “ yucky “ marriage already, and THEIR expectations are higher or their demands are highter- right or wrong, and how does a woman handle this?

    Male or female, once you’ve been through a “yucky” marriage and perhaps an even “yuckier” divorce your bar has changed. I wouldn’t necessarily say the demands are higher, but they’re different. Being in relationship is the only way we can truly know ourselves. You learn your likes, dislikes, tolerance, boundaries, etc. So going through “yucky” relationships is actually a good thing…you get to know what you want the next time around…of course that’s if you pay attention. Which is another reason why I wrote the book, to encourage women to take a step back and access who they are and what they want before stepping into a new relationship. If we don’t learn from our past choices, well, history will repeat itself..right?!

    7)      Money- she is a spender, he is a saver or vice versa. When is the right time to discuss MONEY ?

    Money is certainly a touchstone issue. It is the number one reason for relationship conflicts and break-ups. When to discuss money is also a delicate dance. I think that in the beginning of a new romance its best to keep a keen eye out for spending habits and see how his match up to your own. When a couple gets to a place where they are spending a lot of time together and it looks like the relationship is moving into a more permanent situation that would be the time to  discuss spending and/or saving proclivities.

Personally, with a second time around relationship I prefer a yours, mine and ours approach to  bank accounts.

    8)      Kids- he is a martinet, she is loving and caring- is the relationship going to work or is it doomed for failure?

    If the relationship is becoming more serious and it looks like there will be the possibility of a blended family, then it is important to have a discussion about how each partner will interact with the other’s children. My advice is his kids are his and your kids are yours. I would not discipline my partners children and I do not want him to discipline mine. I think if you can establish those ground rules and it appears everyone is getting along and can live under one roof peacefully then you have a good chance of a successful union.

9)      What does this title mean “ It Takes All Five “?

    As I mentioned above, It takes all 5 is in reference to the 5 finger philosophy and the personality aspects each finger represents. When two people match up with all 5 aspects or fingers they have a rock solid hold for a stellar relationship.

    10)   Religion- how close do these two individuals have to be and how big a factor is it?

    In my 5 finger philosophy, religion falls into the spiritual finger or aspect arena. I believe that in the broader picture of finding a suitable mate if all of your spiritual beliefs align and you discuss what all of those are to the satisfaction of the other, regardless of religious upbringing, you have a good chance of having a successful relationship.

11)   What have I neglected to ask ?

    “It Takes All 5” is divided into three sections: the inside 5, the outside 5 and the relationship 5. I feel it’s so important for single moms (and dads) to really take the time to read through the first 5 chapters and heal the inside stuff, then read the second 5 chapters to get clear on taking care of the outside stuff before moving into the final 5 chapters about dating and mating. I truly believe that once your inner and outer self is aligned, propped with that solid dose of  confidence you’ll get from knowing yourself so well the REAL One will show up… You won’t have to find him…he’ll find you!

Thank you so much for your time and interest in It Takes All 5!

Cheers

Kerri

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