City Saves on Employees’ Emergency Room Visits

Jan 11, 2017 by

As a former municipal employee, I would like to thank the efficiency experts in city government for their kind and ingenious imposition of cost-cutting measures that resulted in a more than 18 percent drop in workers’ emergency room visits so far this fiscal year.

This was achieved by a technique of behavioral modification that has already spurred job growth and productivity gains among morticians who need only sit and wait until called into action, according to the City’s Office of Cause and Effect Analysis.What they did was triple the cost of an emergency room visit.

By doing that, they have largely cured employees of the frivolous habit of making field trips to be triaged. And they have made folks more thoughtful and less antsy to discover whether the blood in their urine or vise-like chest pain is really such a big deal.

Perhaps it’s General Tsao’s fault or simply a reaction to Betsy DeVos’s nomination to be secretary of education.

By boosting to $150 the cost for being carried through the sliding doors of the ER, our City fathers and mothers have made us more humble about our bodies and appreciative of the challenges of enduring pain and the thrill of gambling with fate.

The Office of Labor Relations put it quaintly. “Our health-care plans are demonstrating…significant changes in (medical) utilization patterns that are attributable to the plan changes,” they explained.

Here’s an idiomatic translation: People cannot afford our price increases, so they are staying home and keeping their fingers crossed that their emergencies aren’t good enough for emergency-room attention.”

They want us to find less lavish outlets for us to vent our boredom than excursions to trauma units.

The City has already saved $9 million in this codified move of draconian charity. That’s almost as much as it pays out for a single major civil liability suit.

Take courage, City workers. And next time you suspect appendicitis,–take Rolaids.

Ron Isaac


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