Domain 1: Snack Time

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn not to ask for a snack every five minutes, or in the thirty minutes directly following a full meal.

1-B. Students will learn the elements of a healthy snack, and in particular, that consuming one’s body weight in goldfish crackers is not a healthy choice.

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn to get their own damned snacks.

2-B. Students will learn that consuming every edible item in this house within the first day of home confinement is not compatible with sustaining life in this house.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn to make a mean bowl of Rice Krispies.

3-B. Students will learn that you cannot cook a hot dog in a toaster.

3-C. Students will learn to hunt and process squirrels for food.

Domain 2: Screen Time

Grades K-5

1-A. Students will learn that screen time is the only time during the blessed day when the grown-ups caring for them can get some peace.

1-B. Students will learn to solve computer problems on their own, rather than yelling for a grown-up. This is called “inquiry-based learning.”

Grades 6-8

2-A. Students will learn that their parents do not want to know what a “TikTok” is, nor do they want to see your “TikTok,” but it had better be appropriate.

2-B. Students will learn that the threat of loss of screen time is now entirely empty, as no grown-up is willing to deal with the catastrophic consequences of being stuck in the house with a bored, screen-less child.

Grades 9-12

3-A. Students will learn how to mute themselves in a Zoom class so that no one can hear them learning to burp the alphabet.

3-B. Students will learn how to replace the video feed of themselves in a Zoom class with a pre-recorded video of themselves looking attentive so that they can learn to burp the alphabet in peace.

3-C. Students will learn that that awesome video of them doing The Renegade is now sufficient to win them acceptance at any online university, including all the Ivy League schools.

Domain 3: Study Skills & Learning Habits

Grades K-5